Bin Laden Mistakenly Sends American Idol Audition Tape

The world’s leading terrorist, Al-Qaeda leader, Osama Bin Laden, mistakenly sent the wrong tape to U.S. officials last week. Instead of sending another warning message to President Bush and the American people, he sent his audition tape to the American show American Idol.

“We couldn’t believe it,” said Homeland Security spokesman, David Ruffenstein. “The tape starts playing and there is Osama singing or should I say screeching into the microphone with three women in burqas standing behind him as backup singers. It sounded like he was trying to sing The Candyman by Sammy Davis Jr. but we couldn’t tell for sure. It was just gawdawful! The horny cat in my back alley sounds better! Needless to say, we all got a pretty good laugh.”

The FBI gave the tape to officials at the American Idol show to get feedback from the famous American Idol judges and to show the tape on the air. Simon Cowell said, “Oh...my...God! He was the worst singer I’ve ever seen and you’ve seen some of the singers we’ve had on this show. Not only is he a lousy person, he’s tone deaf as well. He makes William Huong look like Elton John. Seriously though, he sucks!”

Randy Jackson just shook his head. “I think I understand why he’s so pissed off at the world. The boy ain’t got no discernible talent, so he wants to blow up people that do. Osama, your singing is a crime against humanity.”

Even Paula Abdul could hardly find anything nice to say. “Well, let’s see. His backup singers were nice. His beard was kind of neatly trimmed. Living in a cave must agree with him.”

Bin Laden was humiliated at the revelation. “Sweet Allah! How embarrassing! I didn’t know the camera was playing. That wacky al-Zawahiri is such a kidder. We were just grab-assing around in the cave. I did it as a joke. We’ll see how funny it is when I slice off his hands. You won’t be holding any more cameras now will you Al-Zawahiri.”

Bin Laden continued. “Seriously, I must admit, I just love that infidel show. That Simon Cowell is such an asshole. Oh, how I would love to chop his head off. And that Paula Abdul is certainly one delicious babe. She would look fantastic in a burqa. And that Randy Jackson sure is doing well for himself since he left the Jackson 5. I wonder if he keeps in touch with Michael and if he does… please get him out of the Middle East. I’ll give you women, camels whatever you want! I’ll even consider peace; just get him out of the Muslim world! Oh, how he drives me crazy! Oh well. Death to America, Allah Akbar, and all that other crap. Peace out.”

Bush Administration Googles America

The Bush Administration filed papers last week demanding top Internet search engine company Google to provide random samples of 1 million Web site addresses that Google includes in its search results from an unspecified weeklong period. Google has protested against handing over the records stating it is a violation of its user’s privacy. This action follows on the heels of President Bush admitting last month he had authorized wiretapping without court orders the past couple of years.

U.S. Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, said in a statement, “Trust me. There is nothing to be alarmed about folks. We at the Department of Justice want to pursue only the people who look at child pornography. We want to see what sites come up in people’s searches. Trust me, there’s absolutely no other possible way to do this. And no, it’s not because when you type in ‘failure’ in the Google Search box and hit the ‘I Feel Lucky’ button, President Bush’s whitehouse.gov page comes up. We don’t have a vendetta against Google. The President finds that prank hilarious. Really. He does. Trust me.”

Kathleen Beaumont of Citizens Watch, a grassroots government watchdog organization said, “This is an abomination. This is a blatant power grab by the Republicans. This administration came into office saying it was going to keep government out of every one’s lives, but it’s more intrusive now than ever before. The Fourth amendment, nay the whole Bill of Rights, is under assault. The government has established a climate of fear and our freedoms are being extinguished one by one. First there was the Patriot Act, then there were wiretaps, then watching your surfing habits. What’s next? Electronic chips implanted in everybody, so you can be monitored day and night?”

President Bush defended his surveillance program. “People we need those Googly records to find out who looks at porn. From the data we’ve obtained from Yahoo, MSN, and Microsoft we’ve already found some interesting things about Americans. Like Ken Wooten of 554 Donald Ave.,Springdale, Kentucky goes to bigbooty.com at least twelve times a day. And Brad Holmes of 320 N. Main St., Hectorville, CA likes to go to some site called sausageriders.com. And Jim K. Cecil of 1247 Lincoln St., Grant City, Minnesota spends an awful lot of time on trannietrolley.com. Tsssk, tsssk, tsssk. These sinners are terrorizing their bodies and minds. It is the duty of the American government to protect people from the inner terrorist in all of us. Therefore it is necessary for us to defend people from their inner terrorist by censoring what they see. Remember, I’m King...er...President. I know best. Our goal is to redirect these perverts to sites stating good Christian values like Pat Robertson’s. Oh and I like that electronic chip idea. I’ll get Uncle Dick to give the development contract to Halliburton muy pronto.”

The American people were split on the Administration’s latest move. Frank Marcuso, of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, said “I’m all for getting rid of child porn, but what’s to prevent the government from expanding their investigation. I mean I would die if the guys down at the lodge found out about my addiction to Care Bear merchandise. I just love those cuddly little critters!”

K. T., of Somewhere City, USA, said, “God! It’s like those conservatives don’t want anybody to have any fun! They got all over Clinton wanting to know about his sex life and now they want to know all about ours. I got a message for you people. Have some sex of your own! Um...I’m not under arrest am I?”

Gladys Bruckner of Thames, Illinois said, “I completely believe the President when he says government has to protect us from ourselves. I just can’t trust myself to do anything right, therefore I’ll let President Bush decide my actions. He talks with God, you know.”

Local Musician Scores Huge Contract

Last week, struggling musician and Cactus Corners resident, Larry Sizemore, received a huge five thousand dollar contract to record music for Snuzak, the world’s largest purveyor of elevator music. Sizemore, a resident of the Cactus Dewdrop subdivision, was elated over the news.

“Wow!” said Sizemore, taking a drag off his cigarette. “This so beats playing on the corners of downtown Tempe for quarters. I feel this will give me the opportunity to finally play Beatles music the way it should be heard; synthesized to hell. Just think of how better Kid Rock, Maroon 5 and Smashmouth will sound when I play their songs on my Yamaha.”

Snuzak CEO LesterDickinson, explained how he discovered Sizemore. “I was walking along Mill Avenue trolling for naive college girls when this hooligan asks me if I’d like to hear a song. Well, I’m CEO of Snuzak; of course I want to hear a song. So this hooligan isn’t a hooligan at all. He’s a musician! He starts playing Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band on his electronic keyboard organ thingy and I was completely entranced. I’ve never heard the song sound so cheesy. This boy was a natural for the Snuzak sound. I signed him up on the spot.”

Sizemore’s friends had mixed reactions to the deal. Friend and coffee fiend Jenny Carl was very impressed. “Wow! Five thousand dollars! Do you know how many Double Choco Mocha Frappa Zappa Cappuccinos that would buy? I’m so jealous. You know I never really noticed until I heard about his rich new contract, but if you ignore Larry’s unibrow, cauliflower ears and complete lack of a physique, he’s a real stud. Call me, Larry!”

However, longtime friend, Jason Costello said, “Man what a sellout! I’m telling ya man, he’s completely selling out to the Man, man! We used to be content just hanging out, smoking, begging for change and laughing at the button downs with their jobs and money and a life, man. Next thing you know, he’ll be wearing ties and fancy shoes and want to eat at Arby’s.” Costello stroked his bluish spiked hair. “I wonder if he’ll get to meet the Arby’s Oven Mitt, man. He’s like my hero.”

Sizemore said he has plans to revolutionize the elevator music industry. “I’m going do to Snuzak what John Lennon did for rock and roll. I even met up with a Japanese chick to help me write songs and alienate me further from society and my friends. Listen to this new song I wrote called No. 2.” Sizemore then proceeded to alternate back and forth between C and F sharp on his Yamaha keyboard for two minutes. “Oh yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!”

Upcoming Episodes of The Tyra Banks Show

One of the newest television talk shows is hosted by supermodel Tyra Banks, who made headlines recently when she officially retired from the catwalk at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Known for her ‘fierce’ makeovers, her show targets the twenty-something female viewing audience and has been holding it’s own with other new talk shows like The Martha Stewart Show. There are some however who think she should have stayed on the catwalk. Let’s put it this way, Dex and Chester don’t watch to be intellectually stimulated. Nevertheless, the BilgeBucket staff has obtained a listing of upcoming topics on the show so be sure to glue yourself to the set.

	Supermodels Point Out Your Many Flaws
	How I Survived Being a Supermodel
	Walk the Catwalk at Your Office... Just Like a Supermodel
	Supermodel Catfight: Naomi vs. Tyra
	‘Fierce’ Makeovers by Tyra
	‘Fiercer’ Makeovers by Your Favorite Supermodels
	Even More ‘Fiercer’ Makeovers by Gay Guys
	Kate Moss: Bad Supermodel!
	How to Whip Your Audience Into a Frenzy Just by Yelling
	Why Do Men Want Supermodels So Much?
	How to Look Like You’re Listening But You’re Really Thinking How Great It Is To Be a Supermodel
	The Many Hidden Talents of Supermodels
	Supermodel Roundtable: How to Solve The Crisis in The Middle East
	I’m Just Like Oprah, Only I’m a Supermodel