Bush Administration Adds O'Neill To Shit List

The Bush Administration announced this week that not only has former Secretary of the Treasury, Paul O'Neill, been added to the official administration shit list, but he has been placed on top of it as a result of his tell all book, The Price Of Loyalty.

"Oh, his new name is Caca," grumbled an irritated Donald Rumsfeld. "I mean his picture has replaced Bill Clintons on our Oval Office dartboard. If I were him, I would take up residence in Saddam's spiderhole. It's vacant now, you know."

Other cabinet members agreed. "I never did like the guy," said a peeved Dick Cheney. "How dare he question me on the budget and spending. I was the head of Halliburton. Who knows more about spending money than an oil baron like myself."

Even Condi Rice was disappointed. "I'm so disillusioned right now," said Rice, holding back tears. "And to think, I actually had a bit of a crush on him. Now he's just another stone-faced, blue-suited Republican to me."

Karl Rove seemed the most irritated by O'Neill's revelations. "This man is going to be my bitch now!" said Rove. "Wait until you see what we've uncovered suddenly about O'Neill. Did you know he once vacationed with Osama Bin Laden? Did you know he's fathered out of wedlock, a black, communist, Korean, Muslim terrorist? Did you know he once was a drug dealer with Manuel Noriega in Panama? Did you know he was one of the biggest pedophiles on the Eastern coast? I even think he had a tryst with that liberal bitch Barbra Streisand! Oh, his name is Caca. Caca indeed!"

President Bush added, "I think I know who the first man on Mars should be." Then he chortled to himself for ten minutes.

New Drugs To Combat Effects From Environmental Pollution

Drugzilla, one of America's leading pharmaceutical companies has released of a suite of new drugs for combating the effects of nuclear radiation and environmental pollution. This is in response to the announcement last month by the National Research Council calling for drugs to prevent effects of nuclear radiation for people living near nuclear plants.

"We feel this is a very timely solution for every American," said Drugzilla spokesperson, Sally Whitman. "With the relaxed environmental regulations passed by the Bush administration, pollution will most likely increase. But Americans need not worry. We have created a whole new set of drugs to fight the symptoms of pollution. For instance, Nukitol, is for people living near nuclear power plants who may be exposed to radiation. Carbomonoxitol offers relief for urban dwellers who breathe in massive amounts of car exhaust fumes or factory exhaust each and every day. Nixochemitol helps people who may drink contaminated water from mining, manufacturing or chemical plants. Plus we have several other drugs available to aid the average citizen in living with the necessary pollution of modern corporate America."

Doris May Watkins, a housewife from Corpdump, New Jersey, expressed gratitude for the new medication. "We live right next to a chemical plant and we can't afford to move. But thanks to these wonderful drugs from Drugzilla, my raging migraine headaches and chronic diarrhea can be fixed with just one tablet eight times a day. "

Beau Garner, from Dungheap, Texas, who lives next to a nuclear power plant, said, "This is great! Now maybe my gums and my stomach will stop bleeding long enough for me to eat. Maybe my hair will stop falling out, too. I mean I'm only twenty-five for Pete's sake. I'm unemployed and got no health insurance, but it'll only cost three quarters of my unemployment check to buy the drugs. That leaves a cool hundred bucks to pay my bills and buy me food for the month. Thanks Drugzilla!"

Whitman warned that the drugs do have possible side effects like cramping, headaches, uncontrollable salivation, seizures, heart palpitations, night sweats, blindness, bloody stool, bladder infection, tremors, sterility, memory loss, rashes, limb loss, kidney failure, and paralysis. Fortunately, Drugzilla makes drugs to combat the side effects of the anti-pollution drugs.

President Bush praised the new drugs. "This is a great victory for the American people and the economy. See, I told you so. By allowing more air pollution, all my friends and benefactors are making more money and the economy is being stimulated. Trickle down economics does work. God Bless America!"

Group Of Men Mesmerized By Broken Down Vehicle

A group of local men stood by a broken down vehicle in the JuggerMart parking lot Saturday totally transfixed by what lay underneath the hood.

The vehicle, a 1998 Chevy Cavalier driven by senior citizen Harry Flowers, started to knock when Flowers attempted to leave the parking lot and suddenly died. Flowers, then popped the hood, got out and tried to determine the problem. At this point, seemingly every male within a block radius gravitated over to the car and gazed upon the engine. Many offered advice.

"I think it's your battery," said Juan Garcia, a grocer. "Look at the corrosion on the terminal."

"It's gotta be the alternator," said mortician Kim Lee Hong. "A similar thing happened to a friend of a friend of a friend and that's what the problem turned out to be. Or was it the spark plugs?"

"I read a book about cars once and I say it's the carburetor," offered accountant Bill Brown.

A half hour after the break down, the throng had grown to forty men. While no one was actually working on the car, everyone continued to argue about the possible cause of the break down.

"I'm telling ya," said an adamant Peter Gross, a fast food worker. "It's the radiator! In the movies, it's always something with the radiator."

"Look I know I'm right," fumed Bradley Dunbar, a nurse at Cactus Corners Memorial. "If the car started knocking, it's got to be the gas. You should have used Chevron gasoline. It's got Techron."

"You're all wrong," said Wesley Rogers, a student at Cactus Corners Community College. "It just needs more windshield wiper fluid."

On a lark, Harry Flowers jumped into the vehicle and tried starting it. It roared to life. Sheepishly, Flowers then confessed that the car was his son's and not being accustomed to driving a stick, he had probably just missed stepping on the clutch, causing the car to die. He admitted he probably should have tried restarting the car first, before popping the hood. The crowd mumbled incoherently and dispersed.

On the way home, Flowers again mismanaged the clutch causing the car to die. He then popped the hood and tried to determine the problem at which a slew of males stopped to offer assistance.

Top New Fad Diets

America is a food-obsessed culture. In fact, America is the most obese and overweight nation in the world. Thus, America also tends to be the fad diet capital of the world as well. It seems like every week there is a diet coming new out to claiming to be the diet for Americans to follow in order to lose weight. The intrepid BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of the top diets that Americans seem to be following nowadays.

	The All-You-Can-Eat Krispy Kreme Diet
	The Kate Moss Concentration Camp Diet
	The Woody Harrelson All-Munchie Diet
	The KFC Chicken Is Healthy Diet
	The Dick Cheney Just Eat Oil Diet
	The Oprah Gorge For A Month, Fast For A Month Diet
	The Beulah Snodgrass Substitute Sex For Food Diet
	The Michael Jackson Substitute Little Boy Obsession For Food Diet
	The Beef Council Stuff Your Face With Meat Until You Die Of Colo-Rectal Cancer Diet
	The Jessica Simpson Chicken Of The Sea Poultry Diet
	The Rush Limbaugh Oxycontin Diet