Allawi Announces Parts Of Iraq Unsafe For Voting

Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi publicly acknowledged last week that parts of Iraq may be unsafe for voters and that security improvements need to be made to assure safe voter turnout in the upcoming Iraqi elections scheduled for January 30th.

"Yes, I admit it," said Allawi sheepishly. "There are regions in Iraq which are very unsafe. As a matter of fact, the only region that will be perfectly safe for voters is the four square blocks of land surrounding my palace. This comes to a couple hundred people who are, fortunately for me, Allawi supporters. Democracy is great!"

Allawi added, "We are also trying to increase the size of the Iraqi army and make serving in the Iraqi Security Force something Iraqis will want to do. Since our turnover rate is about 80 percent right now, we propose actually paying them enough money so they can eat. We also propose arming them. We think this will greatly decrease the severity of the insurgents attacks."

Many people are dubious that the elections will actually occur. Salim Mabawi, an observer from nearby Syria, said, "This election will be highly suspect. How are people going to vote if they cannot get to the polls? Are they going to provide armed escorts for each Iraqi citizen? No really I'd like to know. I've got a cousin in Al-Qaeda and he'd really like to disrupt the election."

Brad Grayson, a journalist from Britain's The Sentinel magazine said, "There is no way a proper election can be held in Iraq. Anbar Province, which encompasses a huge area of Iraq west of Baghdad, including the beleaguered cities of Fallujah and Mosul, is basically a war zone. Insurgents are attacking relentlessly there. In Baghdad, security forces are being hit by car bombs, ambushes and suicide bombers on a daily basis. Stability needs to be established for all of Iraq, otherwise the election will hardly be a democratic election. At best the turnout may be twenty percent. The election will be a complete farce."

President Bush defiantly refused to postpone the elections because of the violence. "A Twenty percent turnout? That's a great turnout for America." Bush then chuckled to himself for a minute. He then continued. "Seriously. Our elections are hardly a farce." Bush then broke into another fit of giggling. After a couple of minutes, he regained composure. "People. I vigorously defend my decision to send Iraq into chaos. It is vital that the people of Iraq taste the sweetness of freedom, even if it tastes bloody. Those people in Iraq are going to vote even if it kills them."

Iraqi citizen Mahmoud Al-Wasari said many of his friends feel like he does about the elections. "I don't really care about them. All I care about is how Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston are doing. They consume my thoughts day and night."

Democrats Grill Gonzales Mercilessly

Democratic senators grilled Attorney General candidate, Alberto Gonzales, mercilessly last week in confirmation hearings. Senators asked the judge and counsel to President Bush pointed questions for almost a full fifteen minutes.

Massachusetts Democratic Senator Edward Kennedy asked bluntly, "Didn't you approve the August 1st, 2002 memo authored by Judge Jay Bybee, that defined torture as 'death, organ failure or the permanent impairment of a significant body function'?"

Gonzales replied, "I dunno."

Kennedy responded, "Well, that's good enough for me. Next question."

Wisconsin Democratic Senator Russ Feingold asked about an infamous case in Texas, back when Gonzales was General Counsel to then Governor George W. Bush. During that case, the court appointed attorney fell asleep during his client's trial, an item that was not brought up by Gonzales during the clients appeal for a stay of execution. The client was ultimately executed. Feingold asked, "This man clearly didn't receive a fair trial. Why didn't you mention this to your superiors?"

Gonzales replied, "I dunno."

Feingold responded, "Okay. I'm glad we've straightened that out. Next."

Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter, who recently got raked over the coals by fellow Republicans for his pro-choice stance, asked, "I was just curious. Do you wear boxers or briefs?"

Gonzales replied, "I dunno."

Specter responded, "I betcha it's briefs. Because you're a lawyer. Get it! Briefs. Lawyer." The chamber erupted in laughter. Specter sat back in his chair and added with a wide grin, "Ah! These are good times!"

Delaware Democratic Senator Joe Biden rounded out the questioning by saying, "I was going to ask you a question, but lets face it. We Democrats don't have a pot to piss in. Besides, Alberto, I love you, buddy! You're so full of candor. As George Tenet would say, you're a slam dunk! Now, let's wrap this up and go over to the strip joint across the street. Table dances for everyone...at the taxpayer's expense of course!" The chamber cheered vigorously.

In a related story, applications by Americans for Canadian citizenship increased by 40 percent last week.

Furniture Giant Opens Cactus Corners Store

Scandinavian furniture giant, Överhypea, opened its latest store last weekend in Cactus Corners, just across the street from the Cactus Corners Mall. Thousands of people attended the grand opening, which created traffic jams, parking problems and flaring tempers. Överhypea, known for their functional, affordable furniture, opened their first store in Stumstad, Sweden in 1965. Since then hundreds of stores have opened worldwide.

"I can't believe Överhypea is finally here!" said a jubilant Tara McKenna. "This store is so cool. The furniture is like so über modern. My sisters and I use to take vacations over to California just to shop in the store. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" She screamed with delight and frantically started waving her hand in her face to cool herself down. "I just had an orgasm!"

Store Manager, Sven Van Höötens, explained why people love shopping at Överhypea. "Överhypea is the most unique shopping experience in the world. Think of it like the Disneyland of furniture stores. The customer comes in the store and we strap them in cars and carry them along a conveyor belt just like the Pirates of the Caribbean. We've got different lands for different varieties of furniture, all with fun, creative names. There's Living Room Land; Dining Room Land; Kitchen Land; Kiddie Bedroom Land; Adult Bedroom Land. You get the idea. Customers take note of the furniture code and at the end of the tour, they can go right to the bin, take the furniture home and assemble it in the privacy of their own house, so no one hears the cursing. Then you stop of at our restaurant or snack bar and have official Scandinavian food or substandard American food at affordable prices. Who wouldn't want to shop here?"

Satisfied customer, Barry Wilson, said, "The design of my living room is early 1960's crap deco. You know, kitschy orange triangular shaped coffee tables, kitty cat clocks, lamp stands shaped like a crane. I went to Överhypea and found this pink plastic chair that fit in perfectly. And it only cost $25. I got it home and sat in it and it broke. I'm a little overweight. No problem. I just took it back to the store, returned it and got a new one. When that one broke, I returned it and got another one. It's just that simple."

John Dennison, said, "All I have to say is hot dogs for 50 cents and cinnamon rolls for a buck. I'm going to be buried in this store."

April Munson said, "The furniture is so modern looking. It's looks like you just stepped into Scandinavia, wherever that is. And each piece of furniture has an official Scandinavian name like Dröss, Cräp or Jünk. How cool is that!"

Not all customers are singing the store's praises. Ken Amundsen said, "I don't know what the big deal is. I mean the furniture is cheap because its particleboard. Hello! Oh, and what's the deal with the conveyor belt ride through the store. I half expected little children to pop up and sing, "It's a Small World". Then we went to the snack bar and got some cinnamon rolls. Now I got to admit, they were damn tasty. But we sit down on this curvy piece of wood that they called a 'modern' stool. After five minutes, my butt was numb. It was one of the most uncomfortable sittings I've ever had. I guess 'modern' in Scandinavian means 'pain in the ass'. And don't get me started about the parking or lack there of. Let's just say you burn off any cinnamon rolls you eat on the walk back to your car."

But most people couldn't stop raving about the store. Bambi Pender said, "I just couldn't believe the bargains I found here. They've got an 'As Is' department where they sell returned furniture which may have a few defects. There is literally tons of stuff over there. Anyway, I found a pair of pink plastic chairs with large cracks in them for only $10. I'm going to be the envy of everyone at the trailer park."

Top Events At The President's Inauguration

The Presidential Inauguration is coming up on January 20th. President George W. Bush will be sworn in for his second term after winning the November 7th Presidential election against Democratic challenger John Kerry. Many exciting and expensive festivities ($40 million dollars worth) are being planned for the day. The BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of some of the premium events scheduled.

	Karaoke contest lead by Dick Cheney
	Hillary Clinton crashes the party and performs her award winning stand-up comedy routine
	President Bush reads My Pet Goat to a pliant crowd of slack-jawed supporters
	The Bush twins get loaded and give Dennis Hastert a lap dance he'll never forget
	Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz do a song and dance routine about Iraq entitled Everything's Coming Up Roses
	Bill O'Reilly gives a clinic on proper loofah mitt manipulation
	Preparing for the next four years, Democrats perform mime routines along the parade route
	Ray Bert and Roy Bob Kettle from Fetid Gulch, Texas, play the Star Spangled Banner on a jug and spoons
	Alberto Gonzales gives free instruction on proper discipline techniques for an unruly slave
	Condoleezza Rice, dressed in a platinum blonde wig and slinky dress, sings Happy Inauguration To You to President Bush
	Monster Truck show featuring Truckasaurus
	Special fireworks display engineered by Iraq's Al-Zarqawi Family
	A "Shoeshine Booth" featuring John Kerry giving shines for only a nickel
	A "Kissing Booth" featuring former first lady and Dubya's mom Barbara Bush
	A "Convert The Heathens Booth" featuring Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and President Bush
	After Bush takes Oath of Office, NRA members hoot, holler and shoot their guns off in the air