Neocons Have Urge To 'Surge'; New Catchphrase Will Win Iraq War

President Bush announced his new strategy for winning the war in Iraq this past week. Instead of taking recommendations from former Secretary of State Jim Baker and the Iraqi Study Group, the White House has chosen to escalate troops by 20,000 in what is being called the ‘New Way Forward’ or by the catchier slogan ‘Surge’.

“Now I know what everyone’s thinking,” explained President Bush. “How can we continue to ‘stay the course’, when my Uncle Jim Baker, General Casey and General Abizaid recommend withdrawing our troops from Iraq? We were not ‘staying the course’, people. Like I’ve been trying to tell everyone we’ve never been about ‘staying the course’. No, what we’re doing now is called the ‘New Way Forward’. It sounds really progressive doesn’t it, so the Liberals ought to really like it. I like to call it ‘Surge’. That’s even catchier. Just say it to yourself: ‘Surge’! It’s like I’ve got an urge to ‘Surge’. There can be no doubt that this new catchphrase will win the war for us. We feel this plan is perfect for us Republicans because it will delay us losing the war until the Democrats take over the White House in 2008 and we can play pin the blame on the donkey. What Uncle Dick? I wasn’t supposed to mention that? Heh-heh! Well, you know that thing I just said about us delaying the end of the war until 2008 so we can play pin the blame on the donkey. Well I didn’t say it.”

Arizona Senator John McCain supports the ‘Surge’. “My fellow Americans, if there is one thing I’ve learned from Vietnam, it’s that escalation doesn’t work. That’s why we’re going to ‘Surge’ troops in. It’s different, because ‘Surge’ is a word that’s very positive sounding. We feel that once the insurgents hear about our ‘Surge’, they’ll stop their ‘insurging’ and we’ll all ‘Surge’ toward freedom and democracy in the entire Middle East. Is anyone buying this?”

Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman also supports the ‘Surge’. “Oh this is so exciting! It’s even more exciting than my incredible victory last November when I ‘Surged’ past Ned Lamont. Now I’m Mr. Popular; the Belle of the Ball. Everyone wants to be my friend because I’m an Independent now and my vote can decide important bills. I’ve got to tell you that this ‘Surge’ movement is just like my ‘Joementum’ last November. ‘Surge’! ‘Surge’! Su...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.” Lieberman then feel asleep at the podium.

New House Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California promised that the House wouldn’t just rubber stamp anything the President tries to pass through. “Now that we’re in power, this is going to be a new improved Congress. We’re going to work five days a week. We’re going to restore integrity. We’re also not just going to roll over when the President says he wants action. No sireeeee bobcat! We’re going to at least debate the issues for a few hours before we agree to pass things through.”

Americans had mixed reactions to the ‘Surge’. Tom Fries of Derland, Washington said, “This is outrageous! This Blue Ribbon panel of experts suggests that we start withdrawing troops and what does Dubya do; he calls for a ‘Surge’. Well I hope his daughters are two members of the ‘Surge’. Maybe ol’ Deadeye Dick should go over there and do a few ‘Surges’ with his shotgun.”

Betty Luebnitz of Yorking, New York said, “Oh I like the new slogan. ‘Surge’! ‘Surge’! ‘Surge’! Oh God, yes! Herbert! Get in here now! Pleasure me! Now!”

Deanna Duncan of Terrell Ridge, Pennsylvania said, “Like the President once said, ‘Fool me once...shame on...shame on you...fool me...can't get fooled again.’ Is it any wonder this country’s in the crapper.”

Gates Unleashes Vista On Iraqi Insurgents

In a crucial action to counter the Sunni insurgents in Iraq, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates unleashed his new operating system, Vista, in Iraq last week. Within hours of release, it was reported that the Iraqis were so demoralized that they were seriously contemplating surrender.

“We knew this would work,” said Gates. “Anybody who’s worked with the Windows operating system in the past knows that to install and get everything to work properly, you just about need a Masters degree in Computer Science. We took this into account when we decided to launch it initially in Iraq. Those poor Sunnis and Shiites don’t stand a chance.”

Tech Reviewer Jeremy Pierce said, “No wonder the Iraqis are ready to surrender. The new Vista is overly complex with scores of buttons and drop down menus that make an ordinary computer savvy professional’s eyes glaze over with Homer Simpson like befuddlement. ‘People Ready’? I think not! Therefore it is sheer genius on Gates’ part that he released it on those pesky insurgents. Kudos to you, Bill! Kudos to you!”

President Bush also praised Gates. “I told you we were going to win this war. I am so glad I named Bill Gates the new Secretary of Defense… What? Condi is saying something to me…Robert Gates is supposed to be Secretary of Defense? Hmmmmmm...you sure? Well...ummmm...I guess...ummmmmm... we’ll just have to escalate the number of troops in Iraq. Carry on with the New Way Forward...er...I mean...'Surge'!”

When told that it was Robert Gates who was supposed to be Secretary of Defense and that he would have to resign, the richest man in the world took it all in stride. “Oh well,” said Gates. “I guess its back to being a world class philanthropist. Who wants some money?”

Chelsea Clinton Starts Campaigning For 2016 Presidential Election

Chelsea Clinton announced last week that she is throwing her hat into the Presidential ring…for the year 2016. Following the recent trend of Presidential candidates announcing their candidacy earlier and earlier to raise funds, Clinton decided that she might as well announce now for the year 2016, which will be the first year she’ll be eligible. The minimum age required to be President is 35 years old.

“I feel I should start now,” said Clinton, who has a Masters degree from Oxford University and works for a prestigious New York investment company. “My mom will probably win in 2008 and 2012, so it works out perfectly that I take over in 2016. Like my mom and dad say, you can never do enough fund raising. I figure that by 2016, I’ll have enough money saved up to make a run for it.”

When they heard that Clinton declared herself a candidate for the 2016 election, the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, each declared that they too were going to run for President in 2016. Barbara said, “Oh I am so there! If my Dad can be President then I so could I. Besides, I think it’s written in the Constitution that only a Clinton or a Bush can be President, right. I’d hate to beat Jen, though. Maybe we could be co-presidents. That would awesome!”

Jenna added, “We so have to do that! I could do that fun raising for the party so easily. I’m a natural at raising fun. Have you paid attention to what I’ve done since I turned 21? Party! Party! Surge! Surge!”

Plastic Surgeon Offering Cell Phone Implants

World renowned German plastic surgeon, Dr. Hans Gesichtfuk, has announced a radical new kind of plastic surgery where cell phones are implanted into the patient’s skull and wired directly to the brain thus eliminating any cumbersome headgear or wires.

“Ya, dis is a radical new surgery dat vill revolutionize plastic surgery as ve know it,” said Gesichtfuk from his office in Munich. “Before you know it all de über celebrities like Britney Spears, Madonna and Tom Arnold vill have cell phones implanted on the side of deir faces. Dis is just de first step tovard creating de perfect bionic human; a six million dollar man or voman if you vill. Soon ve vill be intergrating iPods, iTunes, and iPhones into human beings. It is truly a golden age for cutting edge plastic surgeons like me. I’m not just going to be rich, I’m going to be über rich.”

Californian Heather Braun of Beverly Hills, California, who was one of the privileged first recipients, raved about the surgery. “This is soooooo fantastic! Now I don’t have to hold a phone in my hand or anything while I’m driving my Hummer. I can just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk all day long to all my girlfriends. It’s just like I’m talking to myself, but I’m actually hearing other voices. The only bad thing is that sometimes reception will be bad, but all I have to do is knock myself in the head and everything clears up and I’m none the worse. The only bad thing is that sometimes reception will be bad, but all I have to do is knock myself in the head and everything clears up and I’m none the worse.”

Many Americans can’t wait to have the avant-garde surgery. John Langley III of West Haverbrook, New York said, “I’m a big self improvement buff. I love making myself better. I’m going to be the first in my country club to get this surgery. Then I’m going get a solid gold penis implant.”

Fred Griffin of Las Vegas, Nevada, said, “My friend Vinny is going to get the surgery, too. Man, we’re going to clean up at the poker tables: Vinny sits at the table and I spy on everybody. If I wear a tin foil hat, people will think I’m a homeless guy just talking to myself. This is a foolproof plan that can’t possibly fail!”

Tiffany George of Scottsdale, Arizona said, “I know I’m only in high school, but I’ve got to get this surgery. I’ll be like so popular. Maybe instead of getting his stupid life saving heart bypass surgery Daddy can buy me this for my birthday instead.”

Top Celebrity New Years Resolutions For 2007

It’s hard to believe but another year has come and gone. 2006 brought many changes in the world: the Democrats won control of the House and Senate; Jessica Simpson broke it off with Nick Lachey and the Iraq War end…er…correction. It’s still going on with no end in sight. With the New Year comes resolutions; the opportunity for people to vow to improve themselves for the better. Once again, we decided this year to focus on celebrities New Year’s resolutions, since they’re far more interesting than you or I. Or at least they think so. Therefore, the BilgeBucket staff presents the list of the resolutions of America’s favorite celebrities.

	Britney Spears pledges to let Jayden share more of the driving load with Sean Preston
	Kevin Federline promises to delight the American public by releasing another CD of rap...eh-hem...music
	Katie Holmes will try to successfully escape with Suri this year from the Cruise compound
	Rosie O’Donnell swears that she will try to piss off even more people
	Paris Hilton guarantees that she will continue her heroic vow of celibacy until at least next week
	Angelina Jolie declares that she will outadopt Madonna
	Michael Richards vows to make it up to African Americans by equally offending Hispanics, Asians and Native Americans
	Tyra Banks pledges to become even more ‘fiercer’ (like that’s possible!)
	Sylvester Stallone, fresh from the release of his new Rocky film, declares that he will now make more Rambo, Cobra and Rhinestone movies
	Miss U.S.A. Tara Conner promises that she’ll do a better job...of keeping her partying secret from Donald Trump
	Nicole Richie swears that she’ll only go drinking and driving with Mel Gibson so he can absorb the bad press when they’re pulled over for DUI
	The Olson Twins vow to limit their food intake to a Wheat Thin a day
	Dustin Diamond pledges to keep ‘Screech’ fans happy by making more sex videos
	O.J. Simpson promises that this is the year he’ll catch the ‘real killers’
	Pluto vows to return to planet status by getting hints from Kirstie Alley on gaining weight