Abramoff To Sing, Congress To Dance

Last week former Republican lobbyist, Jack Abramoff, pleaded guilty to conspiracy, tax evasion, and mail fraud charges. He reached a deal with federal prosecutors to supply testimony about Congressional members and congressional staffers who he may have influenced. Estimates of Abramoff’s contacts range from 200 with the Bush Administration to 1000 contacts with members of congress, mostly Republicans.

Abramoff appeared sullen and ashamed of himself when speaking about his guilt outside the courthouse. “I’ve been a bad, bad boy,” he said, promptly slapping himself repeatedly in the face. Then, ala Jimmy Swaggart, he fell to his knees bellowing, “I have sinned! I have sinned! May God Almighty have mercy on my soul!” He then buried his head in his hands, occasionally moving the fingers covering his eyes so he could see if anybody was buying his repentance.

Many members of Congress and the Bush White House are reportedly donating the funds given by Abramoff to charities. Tom Delay, also under investigation of money laundering related to campaign donations by a political action committee, said, “Even though I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my alliance with Jack, I’ll give all $100,000 of the donated money to my favorite charity, the Delay Institute for Conniving Congressman or DICC. What? It’s $15,000? Oh yes! That is correct, isn’t it? It’s only $15,000 to charity. Whew! See it’s not that much. God Bless America!” Delay then took out a towel and wiped off his forehead, which was gushing with sweat.

When asked what he thought of Abramoff’s plea bargain, President Bush couldn’t seem to recall the man. “Who? Who is this Jack Abe Off guy you speak of? I don’t think I recall ever hearing that name before. Even though I’m donating $6,000 donated by this man I’ve never heard of to charity, doesn’t mean I know him. Nope! This administration has too much honor and integrity to be involved with such a man. This reminds me of several years ago in that one company’s case, what was it? Enjon? Encon? Enron, that’s it! And that one guy Kenny-Boy Lay, who I never heard of either. I’m glad I was never involved with that guy. What a corrupt SOB he was, unlike me. I’m tight with the Big Guy, you know.”

Other Republicans were equally elusive. Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, said, “Ummm. Jack Abramoff? Hmmmm. Wasn’t he an actor on L.A. Law? No wait! I’ve got it. He was a Back Street Boy wasn’t he? I loved that group. What ever happened to those guys? Heh-heh! Heh-heh! Hey look over there! It’s Osama Bin Laden!”

Arizona congressman J.D. Hayworth, who has been accused of taking almost $100,000 from Abramoff, vehemently denied it. “Nuh-uh! No way did I take money from that guy. It was only like $2250 and seventy five cents. And the Indian tribe that bought my vote said I could keep the money, so there.” He then gave a Bronx salute. “Besides I hardly did anything with the guy. I only saw a few basketball games with him in those luxury suites. Then there was that vacation to the Cayman Islands. And then there were the weekends in Aspen skiing. And I was the best man at his wedding. And I’m the godfather to one of his kids. But other than that, I hardly know the guy. Besides, the big story is Democrat Hillary Clinton took some money! Hillary Clinton took money!”

Media pundits also were quick to point out that some Democrats, although none could be confirmed, were also on the take. Hardball host, Chris Matthews, said, “So President Bush and many Republicans took money? Big deal! Hillary Clinton took money! Hillary Clinton took money! Hillary Clinton took money! Have I mentioned, Hillary Clinton took money!”

“Wow!” exclaimed congressional observer, Ted Martin. “I’ve never seen so many people scurrying for cover. It’s like somebody turned on the lights and the roaches are scrambling for any hole they can hide in. The upcoming investigation into political corruption could have huge implications on this year’s elections. If the Democrats play their cards right, which they probably won’t, they could sweep back into power in the Congress and the House.”

Democratic leaders spoke of possibly taking advantage of the numerous scandals involving Republicans. Massachusetts Senator and former Democratic Presidential hopeful John Kerry stated, “We believe that the GOP has really showed how deceitful and dishonest they are to the American public. Therefore it is our intention to just sit on the sidelines, do nothing and let nature take its course. Excuse me, I have to go now. It’s time for my nap.”

Juggermart Holds Exciting New Lottery For Lunch Breaks

In response to recent court cases complaining of its employees not being able to take lunch breaks, retail giant Juggermart, has announced a new lottery for employees to ‘win’ full half hour lunch breaks.

Lawrence T. Juggers, President and CEO of Juggermart, explained the new system. “This lottery will allow five employees per store the chance to have a full half hour lunch break for the day. A full half hour lunch break! This is great news for the employees who win. This means the lucky employee will not only be able to choke down their tuna fish sandwich, but he’ll also be able to wash it down with a refreshing beverage from one of our store soda vending machines, where every drinks sell for the low, low price of $1.00 for a 12 ounce can. The employees who don’t win will continue to get their regular ten minutes, not including rest room break. The employee will also be required to purchase their lottery ticket at the low, low price of two dollars per ticket. I mean who wouldn’t want a full half hour lunch break? With this fantastic program, geared for today’s worker, nobody can say that I’m not generous.”

Consumer advocate, Clarence Simons, said, “This is an outrage! Not only does Juggermart pay barely above minimum wage to it’s employees and forces them to work over forty hours a week without extra pay, they’re now stuffing this down the employee’s throat. Pretty soon the workers in this country will have no recourse whatsoever. I don’t know how Lawrence T. Juggers can sleep at night. If they didn’t have such low, low prices, I’d never shop there again.”

Employees had mixed reaction to the new ‘Lunch Lotto’ promotion. Sales clerk Dale McDougall at the Ft. Dinsdale, New Jersey store, said, “Well it would be nice to have a enough time to eat a sandwich. And to have a bathroom break so I don’t have to hold my pee all day long. And to have health care. And to see my wife and kids during waking hours. And to be able to pay my mortgage, even though I’m working seventy hours a week. But I’m just a lowly sales clerk. I’m sure Mr. Juggers knows what’s good for me better than I do.”

Cashier Fern Stack, of Juggermart’s Blythe, California store, said, “So let me get this straight. We have to pay two goddamn dollars for the lottery ticket and only five employees per store per day win a measly half hour lunch break while the rest of the employees continue to get ten friggin’minutes...as long as Juggermart keeps its low, low prices, I’m good!”

Store greeter, Lou Farmer at the Winchester, Mississippi store, said “I’ve always wondered what it was like being a slave like my great-great-great grandfather. Now I know. Thanks Juggermart!”

Stock clerk Bessy Kuhlander at the Poedunk, Iowa store, said, “Oh, boy. I think it is a great idea. Mr. Juggers has certainly shown me why he is the boss. What a generous man. I sure hope I’m able to win the ‘Lunch Lotto’ one day and get a whole half hour to eat my lunch. I certainly hope Mr. Juggers remembers my kind words when he is filling the position of head stock clerk.”

Caricaturist Refuses Drawing Picture Of Patron

The caricaturist at the Cactus Carnival Fun Center was severely reprimanded last week for refusing to draw a picture of a patron who requested a portrait. Artist, Dann Ellison, has been the caricaturist at the amusement park for the past three years. The incident occurred when tourists, Zeb and Ida Mae Festerton of Swampo Gordo, Florida, were denied a drawing by Ellison, who suddenly closed up shop and ran screaming for the parking lot.

Witness James Hoffman, who runs the Skeeball booth next door to Ellison, described what happened. “Well this kind of in-bred looking couple comes waddling up to Ellison while he’s finishing a picture of this angelic little girl. I don’t mean to be rude, but these two weren’t exactly Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. I mean they were more like Roseanne and a zombie from Dawn of the Dead. They had stringy hair, warts on their faces and what teeth they had were yellowish green and crooked. They were overweight, dressed in sweat stained tank tops and shorts and they smelled to high heaven. I mean they played a game of Skeeball right before they went over to his stand and I’ve smelt better things in my uncle’s dairy barn. I’ve never seen such a hairy person; hair on the face, back, armpits and legs. And the guy was just as bad. I about gagged. I don’t blame Dann one bit for running away.”

Ellison explained why he refused the portrait. “I’m sorry to be so politically incorrect and my liberal friends will just hate me but my God they were hideous! First of all, they stunk like a stockyard in the summer. I couldn’t breath. I saw flies buzzing around this woman’s head like a halo. Some were crawling inside her open mouth…and she didn’t care. Secondly, I’ve never seen such ugly people in my life. They made the Munsters look like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. As a cartoonist, I pride myself on being able to pick out a person’s distinguishable features and satirizing them in a positive way. I create a fun picture the customer can laugh at and be proud of. There was no way I could draw anything remotely amusing or flattering there. It was a no win situation. It was a train wreck in the making. Plus the smell was so bad; I had to get out of there before I blew chow. I refused their request as politely as I could, held my breath, packed up my gear and ran like Carl Lewis for the parking lot.”

Zeb Festerton was outraged. “I tells you what. Ida Mae was fit to be tied. She just stood there spitting chaw on the ground cussing when that city slicker done split. She wanted one of them there funny pixters so she could gives it to Lucy Mae, her mama. Then that city slicker takes one looks at my wife and goes nuts. I’ve seen that look before. Men folk get to lusting so much for Ida Mae they goes nuts. You’d think city folk could control their urges a little better. Sometimes it’s a curse bein’ married to such a luvly woman.”

Park manager John Lieberthal III, spoke about the incident. “When I first heard about the incident, I was shocked and dismayed. Young Ellison has shown nothing but the utmost consideration for park patrons. Then I met the Festertons. I found that as punishment, Mr. Ellison must take the rest of the week off to recover from this traumatic confrontation. As compensation for the inconvenience, I gave the Festertons unlimited games of Skeeball. They seemed more than satisfied.”

Skeeball manager Hoffman responded, “Why the hell am I being punished? Why didn’t he give ‘em miniature golf tickets? It’s because I beat the old man at badminton at the company picnic, isn’t it? That’s why! Oh God, help me!”

Festerton was extremely pleased by Lierberthal’s gesture. “That park boss was real genrus like. We both likes the skeesball and I really likes the guy that done works over there. He looks real purty just like Ned Beatty. I wonder if he do any pig impresshuns.”

Top Rejected Super Bowl XL Halftime Shows

Super Bowl XL is right around the corner. Last year, the halftime entertainment featured Sir Paul McCartney. This year, another rock legend, the Rolling Stones, led by Sir Mick Jagger, will entertain the masses at Detroit’s Ford Field and the millions of television viewers watching from around the globe. But what were the other acts considered for this plum assignment? Well the BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of the acts that were considered and rejected for this year’s halftime show. So, as you’re watching Mick, Keith, Ron and Charlie creak and groan their way around the stage, just remember you could have had these acts.

	Kevin Federline performs the soon to be smash hits from his upcoming CD while reclining in his La-Z-Boy
	Harvey the Wino and his All-Coholic Band featuring David Crosby with a rousing Special Appearance by Billy Joel, who drives his auto into the stage
	The Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders perform their new musical number ‘Bathroom Shenanigans’
	William Huong and Celine Dion sing a medley of hit Clay Aiken hits
	The Performance Art Group The Masturbators
	Jack Abramoff, Tom Delay and Dennis Hastert do a snappy song and dance routine to Jailhouse Rock
	Have howler monkeys reenact the entire first half of gridiron action
	Clem Haywood and his Farting Pigs
	Paris Hilton and her Man Train.
	Fanny Jean Jones crochets a stylish poncho...LIVE!...ONSTAGE!
	Tom Cruise jumps up and down on a couch while demonstrating his many cocky poses
	The Pussycat Dolls featuring the Silver Foxes from Del Weaver’s Autumnal Shadows Retirement Community in nearby Flint, Michigan
	Laura Bush performs her bawdy stand up comedy routine
	Hillary Clinton performs her bawdy stand up comedy routine
	Poetry Slam featuring Donald Rumsfeld reciting the poems of 50 Cent
	Janet Jackson exposes Justin Timberlake’s breasts