American Crisis: Shortage Of Celebrity Worship Shows

America is facing a huge crisis of gargantuan proportions the likes of which haven't been seen in some time: the shortage of celebrity worship shows. Entertainment industry experts proclaim this year could be dire for celebrity obsessed Americans.

Hollywood Beat reporter Joel Tinsel said "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's just brutal out there! Currently, the only way to keep track of your favorite celebrities are shows like Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, Celebrity Justice, Cribs, Celebrity Stalker, Celebrity Anus Probe and Entertainment Studios.com. Then there are celebrity talk shows like David Letterman, Conan, Tonight Show, Carson Daly, Craig Kilborn, El Gordo y la Flaca, Sharon Osbourne, Ellen DeGeneres, The View, Ali and Jack, Regis and Kelly, Bumphus and Mortimer, and Toolin' with Aunt Tootie. And then there are the game shows which really are celebrity worship shows like Hollywood Squares, 10,000 Dollar Pyramid and Tinseltown Airheads. As you can see, this clearly is not enough for the millions of Americans that are clamoring to touch a star!"

Jill Knotts of Brainerd, Minnesota said, "I need to know what Britney Spears is doing morning, noon and night. You see, I don't have a life of my own, so I need to live through her. If I don't know what she's doing I just cower in the corner of my closet and suck my thumb for hours on end."

Tyler Moore of Eagle Butte, Idaho said, "I'm all about couples news, man. I need to know which couples are together and which have broken up. You know the power couples, like Brad and Jennifer, Will and Jada, Bennifer, Michael and Catherine Zeta Jones, Julia Roberts and whoever, Anne Heche and whatever. If I lose track of this vital information I'd probably kill myself."

Mary Deacon of Claypitt, Georgia said, "Before I develop my own opinion on any subject, I wait until I hear what the celebrities think on the subject. I mean after all, they're the most intelligent people on the planet. They're so much better than I am. If Jessica Simpson says no to world hunger, then that's all I need to know."

Industry insiders have mentioned that electronic tracking devices will soon be implanted into all celebrities so that reporting on their activities will be much easier. Trials have already been performed on such top celebs as Anna Nicole Smith, Pauly Shore and Victoria Jackson. Marilu Henner even has a twenty-four hour channel documenting every phase of her life.

Tinsel reacted tearfully to the new technology. "This is fantastic! Americans will never be without knowledge of celebrity whereabouts ever again! Oh look! Marilu is cutting her toenails!"

President Bush Phones In Presidency For 2004

President Bush, citing rising approval polls, has decided to just phone in his presidency for 2004 from his Crawford, Texas ranch.

"I've just decided to telecommute for the rest of the year. Look at the polls. I'm winning. I caught Saddam, the economy is roaring like a bear, we're at war and you know the rule. You're never supposed to change leaders during wartime. I'm solid. I'm golden. I can have a 'working vacation' the rest of the year." He then flashed one of his patented smirks and chortled to himself for ten minutes.

When asked if he was worried that the Democrats would take advantage of his extended vacation, he replied. "Demo-whos? Why should I worry about Dean Clark, or Kerry Howard, or who ever the hell those guys are. I am king of the world! I can do whatever I want. I'm going to be president/God-man for another four years. Just think of the things I can fuck with by 2008. Hmmm...I forget. Do they have oil in North Korea?"

In a related story, applications for visas to Canada and Mexico by Americans have quadrupled in the past month.

Tuna Overcooked In Office Microwave

An unknown employee apparently overcooked tuna in the office microwave at Bluebeard Insurance Company last Monday. To make matters worse, the culprit dumped the fish in the waste basket leaving the stench of burnt fish in the air for the rest of the afternoon.

"This really pisses me off!" said secretary Gina Lutjens. "I put a cute little sign up in the corner by the microwave with a fish and a red circle and a slash through it. Do I have to spell it out people!"

"God I walked into the kitchen nook and just about gagged!" said agent Jerry Cioccio. "I mean at least eat your mistake. Don't leave it behind in the open garbage can. We're going to be smelling this crap for the rest of the month."

Rumor has it that disgruntled agent Roy Fowler did it as payback for not receiving the Agent of the Year award at the company Christmas party. "I wouldn't put it past him," said Cioccio. "He once replaced the toilet paper in the men's room with corn husks. He's got a real mean streak in him. "

When asked to comment on the speculation, Fowler slammed shut his desk drawer filled with Chicken of The Sea and replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Sheriff Okays Sex With Prostitutes

Expanding on his recent order okaying cops to disrobe with prostitutes, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has now given approval for officers to have sex with the hookers.

"Well I was thinking about it and I decided what the hell," said Arpaio. "I mean they're disrobing, they might as well go all the way right? Then they'd have definitive proof of sexual encounter. They can book 'em after the nookie. Life's short. My boys deserve some fun on the job."

The Maricopa County Sheriff's department has seen a 100 percent increase in requests to work on hooker patrol since the announcement.

New Years Resolutions

2004 has arrived and that means time for New Years resolutions for many Americans. The BilgeBucket staff has compiled a list of some of the top resolutions by average Americans across the land.

	Force self to listen to a Clay Aiken song
	Cut back to 12 hours of TV a day
	No Krispy Kremes between 5:00pm and 6:00pm; that's dinner time
	Try not to laugh out loud when President Bush speaks
	Get drunk off ass Monday through Saturdays; repent Sundays; repeat
	Become more informed; watch the news at least a half hour a week
	Stop subscription to Playboy; start subscription to Great Gazongas
	Send Oprah thank you note for changing life
	Stop stalking Gilbert Gottfried
	Start exercising rigorously three days a year
	Kick Oxycontin habit