Bush Reluctantly Pries Open Pockets For Tsunami Victims

President Bush, responding to criticism that he is being miserly with his support for victims of the Indian Ocean earthquake and tsunami last week, increased the dollar amount of aid he is sending to Southeast Asia.

"Let it not be said that my administration is stingy in providing support for those in need," said President Bush in a recent press conference. "I am not Scrooge McDuck, people. Therefore I'm increasing our aid package to $1000, several crates of k-rations and a couple mules. I'm also asking some of the troops from the massive coalition of the willing, like Poland and El Salvador, to go over and assist with handing out supplies."

Terrence Cooper, of the International Red Cross was appalled by the lack of monetary support sent to Southeast Asia. "This is one of the biggest catastrophes in the history of civilization. The death toll is over 140,000 and rising daily. The people in Sri Lanka, Thailand, India, and Indonesia have lost everything. They need food and fresh water quickly. This lack of support is inexcusable and just another reason why the world is losing respect for America."

President Bush shot back at the criticism. "A $1000 is a lot of money. I mean people on game shows are thrilled to win a $1000. It's got to be liberals who are complaining. People, we are in the middle of the war on terror here. We can't spare any extra money here. If we divert funds from supporting our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, the terrorists win. Now if we extend our war on terror to Indonesia, I might be able to do something. Let those countries that aren't contributing to the coalition of the willing send the extra money. You know who I am talking about, Frenchy, Sgt. Schultz and Putie Put. Yeah you guys." Bush then furrowed his brow and gave a menacing sneer into the television camera.

Bush also addressed those who criticized his tardiness in offering aid to the stricken people. The tsunami occurred last Sunday and Bush didn't respond until Wednesday. "Look. I was out on my ranch clearing brush. I was working hard. I was also riding my bike around my ranch. I was playing hard. You know I didn't take my month long vacation this August because of that stupid election. I needed me time. I am the President of the most powerful nation on earth. I'm tight with the Big Guy upstairs, too. The real true Big Guy, not the one those Indonesians think is the Big Guy. I think I deserve it."

Outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell defended the administrations contributions. "This administration is not stingy. A $1000 is a lot of money. I mean people on game shows are thrilled to win a $1000 dollars. It's got to be liberals... Ah to hell with this crap. I've only got two more weeks. I've had it with these assholes. You know something. This administration can squeeze blood from a penny when it comes to helping people who need help. But if George's defense, oil or energy buddies need some money, the pocket book is wide open. Come and get it! Boy just you wait until I write my tell-all book. The shit's going to hit the fan!"

After Powell's comments, Bush reluctantly increased support to $2000, a crate of Hungry-Man dinners and a pack of musk oxen.

Rummy Shows Love To Troops

In last month's visit to U.S. soldiers in Kuwait, Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, showed great compassion by answering questions from actual troops who were serving in Iraq.

When asked by a National Guardsman if the United States was going to send more armor so that all the vehicles could be protected, Rumsfeld replied, "What? I couldn't hear you. I'm an old man here. Could you repeat the question?" He then pointed immediately to another soldier for another question.

When asked about the stop loss policy, which forces volunteer troops to serve longer than expected, Rumsfeld replied, "Whoa, whoa. I'm an old man here. I just woke up. I haven't had my morning cup of joe." He paused and took a big gulp of coffee. "Ahhhhhhh! That does the trick." He then cleared his throat and addressed the soldiers. "What are you? A bunch of pansy ass liberals. I don't think John Wayne ever complained when he was getting shot at. He just strapped it on and killed those Japs. The Gipper, Ronald Reagan, never said, 'Oh, I'm afraid of the Krauts', when he was making all those World War II movies. President Bush never said, 'Oh, I wish my daddy would get me a cushy appointment stateside' during the Vietnam War. Suck it up you maggots! This ain't paintball. You're my bitches for the duration of the war."

The National Guardsman repeated his question, adding that they had to dig through local landfills to find armor to fit reinforce their vehicles. Rumsfeld replied, "Some liberal reporter must have put you up to this. I'm here to provide support to you poor slobs. I'm here to boost your low morale. I mean you go to war with the army you got not the army you want. Geez, if I had my choice, I'd have an army of cyberbots from the future who can shoot laser beams. That would be really cool. But no. I've got a bunch of whiners and complainers. Face it guys, you can have all the armor in the world on your tank and you're still going to get blown to smithereens. So just accept your fate."

On Christmas Eve, Rumsfeld decided to make up for his perceived hostility by making a surprise visit to Mosul. While there, he arranged several photo opportunity with troops as he handed out trashcan lids that can be used for shields until real armor arrives, which is estimated to be sometime in the next four years.

Private Jason Wallace of New River, Ohio, said, "It was great to see Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld show up for a few minutes. Those trashcan lids should protect us against those grenade launchers. At least that's what Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld told us. And he never lies."

Corporal Bryan Rogers of Greenville, Kentucky, said, "Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld visit today sure made up for his condescending attitude last month in Kuwait and his sending us into Iraq completely unprepared for a post-Saddam world. I know I'll sleep better tonight as the insurgents shell my unit incessantly."

Guy Wearing 'I Went Skydiving' T-Shirt Still Not Getting Chicks

Thirty-five year old Cactus Corners resident, Phil Blaine, who lives with his mother Blanche in the Cactus Nirvana subdivision, has expressed disappointment that more women aren't responding to his t-shirt that he bought when he went skydiving recently. The shirt says on the front 'I Went Skydiving', and on the back, has a picture of a skydiver sky surfing.

"I don't get it," said Phil. "I went skydiving last month at SkySurfers down in Casa Grande and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Phil stopped and laughed to himself for a few seconds. "I crack myself up. No seriously. I went skydiving last month because, you know, I'm a guy who likes to live on the edge. I guess you could say I live for danger. I mean I've been bungee jumping. I've been snow boarding. I've been sailing in Tempe Town Lake. And I love to wear T-shirts saying what I've done. I would think the chicks would like to see what kind of man they're getting involved with right off the bat. I mean I'm wearing my resume on my chest."

Women haven't been too impressed. "It's so ostentatious," said Margo Leander, who works out at the same gym as Phil. "I mean he's been wearing that shirt everywhere for the last week. He wears it when he works out. He wears it at the juice bar. He probably wears it in the shower. He was purposely doing dumbbell curls right in front of me just begging for me to comment on the shirt. I moved over to the squat rack and he starts doing squats right next to me. Yeesh! I could care less."

Janet Trautmann, who works with Blaine at Cactus Copy Center, says, "That guy is so full of shit! I mean we have a dress code here. Guys have to wear a collared shirt with a tie. He comes in wearing that t-shirt with a tie. Then he goes around strutting his stuff around me and Kendra just begging for us to say something about the shirt. We wouldn't give him the satisfaction. It sure was funny when our boss Mr. Garabino came out and yelled at him for not wearing a collared shirt. He sent him home and made him change. We laughed our asses off."

Kendra Watkins, another of Blaine's co-workers added, "The guy is butt ugly! I mean he's got scraggily hair, an Ichabod Crane nose and this really sad scraggily moustache. He is some kind of scrawny, too. I mean Pee-Wee Herman looks like the Hulk compared to him. The guy is thirty-five years old and he lives with his mother. Can you say Cliff Clavin?" Watkins then made the shape of an L on her forehead.

Blaine offered a possible explanation for the lack of response. "Maybe I'm scaring the women off. You know, putting off too much of a macho vibe. I mean they see that I've skydived, they may not think they'd be able to keep up with the old Philmeister. Yeah! That's gotta be the reason!"

New Years Resolutions For 2005

2004 has been an eventful year: the ongoing war in Iraq, the presidential election, the tsunami in Southeast Asia, Britney Spears' wedding. It's hard to believe but 2004 is mercifully over and 2005 has arrived. This is the time of year when many Americans make vows to positively change their lives for the coming year. Fortunately, the BilgeBucket staff is tuned into the heartbeat of average Americans and has compiled a list of some of the top resolutions for 2005.

	Become a contestant on The Swan
	Stop feeding yourself Krispy Kremes long enough to stuff your face with some Godiva chocolates
	Stop masturbating to Star Jones; she's...(sob)...married now...(more sobbing)
	Rub some nice, soothing flaxseed oil all over your body so you break the home run record
	Help America become less dependent on foreign oil by buying a Hummer
	Become a real life desperate housewife
	Sing badly on American Idol and became an overnight sensation
	Get a date that isn't plastic, latex, or sheep shaped
	Accept that George W. Bush is President for another four years and move to Saskatoon
	Stop smoking cold turkey; start smoking hot pastrami
	Join O.J. and Robert Blake on their noble quests to find the real killers
	Memorize all the drivers on the NASCAR circuit; it will soon be required for U.S. citizenship
	Start stalking Dr. Phil
	Buy a loofah mitt and vibrator and call Bill O'Reilly for some hot phone sex
	Join the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth...What? They're no longer accepting contributions? They only existed to smear John Kerry before the election? Nooooooooooooo!
	Just end it all; take some Vioxx